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Saturday, January 29, 2011

"No Yanky My Wanky!"

After many, many weeks, the Christmas kitten finally has a name.

Introducing . . .  Jake Ryan!!  

"Jake Ryan?  He's only the most popular boy in school."

Urban Dictionary defines Jake Ryan as "the name used by women to describe the perfect boyfriend."  Or, in this case, the perfect kitten.

"Jake is a senior, and he's beautiful and perfect."

Kitten Jake Ryan manages to be cute even without the plaid shirt or the hair gel.  Like the real Jake Ryan, Kitten Jake Ryan is charming and suave.  He gives hugs and Eskimo kisses.  He also wakes me up at 5:30 am by pawing at my hair, and he has been known to drink from the toilet, but, hey, what is "perfect"??

Jake Ryan has other wonderful qualities.  For example, he loves Christmas:

But he has no patience for girls who behave like princesses:

He may not drive a red Porsche or live in a big house in Highland Park or get my underwear back from a geek, but the chicks clearly dig him:

"Jake Ryan?  He doesn't even know you exist."

Yep, just like the real Jake Ryan.

Random Look Inside My Brain #1

                Me (flipping through channel guide):  Nothing on, nothing on, nothing on – Oooh!  One-hour “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” season finale!  Awesome!


Me:  What the hell is wrong with me? 

Cut to fifty-five minutes later:

Me:  Please, please, please show Bruce’s new haircut!!  And his piercings!  I wonder if Kris and the girls will like his hair?!?!


Me:  Really, what the hell is wrong with me??

Two minutes later:

Me:  What is Khloe wearing on her head?  Does she believe she is a princess or is that her Halloween costume?  Wait, why are the credits rolling?  Is it over?  It can’t be over!!

Brief pause.

Me:  For the love of all that is holy, what is wrong with me?!?!

Pause.  Grab for remote and quickly hit the channel guide.

Me:  Damn, I can’t believe they’re not rebroadcasting this episode tonight.  I wonder if “Real Housewives” is on.

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Bruce Jenner Was a Quarterback ... Wasn't He?

Bears/Packers game, Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon?  Bears/Packers game, Keeping Up With the Kardashians marathon?  Bears/Packers game ....

I think we all know how this ends.

Monday, January 17, 2011


In honor of the two-year anniversary of my switch from a small pink flip phone (also known as “the Barbie phone”), I celebrate with a list of the top ten names that Apple should consider renaming its beloved iPhone.

(10)          iText
(9)            iEmail
(8)            iDropCalls
(7)            iPlayUnblockMe
(6)            iDropMoreCallsThaniComplete
(5)            iDropCallsAnyTimeAndAnywhere
(4)            iHaveAnAppForDroppingCalls
(3)            iSearchForPornOnTheInternet
(2)            iAmTotallyNotKiddingAboutHowManyCallsiDrop
(1)            iDropSoManyCallsThatTheOnlyReasonYouWillKeepMeIsBecauseiSurf

(Note:  Mr. Jobs, I LOVE my iPhone.  I would never part with it . . . although I am considering owning a separate “phone” so as to allow me to actually complete calls.  I have encouraged at least three friends to purchase iPhones and they love them (though I haven’t actually spoken to them in awhile because, well, we have iPhones.  But we text a LOT!).  Did I mention I love you?  Please don’t sue me.)

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Ode to Dr. Drew

O, Dr. Drew Pinsky, with your white hair
And cool dark-rimmed rectangular glasses
Always toiling to save C-list celebs
From drugs that make them act like big asses

Your smooth affect and crisp ties calm my soul
As you cure Tom Sizemore and Heidi Fleiss
Your endless patience wavers not when forced
To treat Shifty and Jeff Conaway twice

Shall Pasadena ever again know
Such saintly works by a star therapist
Who was on “Loveline” and fathered triplets
And who is a self-proclaimed narcissist?

O how I heart you, dear Dr. Pinsky
Who else on earth could save Rod Stewart’s son?
You’re the reason I pay more for cable
For a line-up that includes VH1

Monday, January 3, 2011

Things I Like Way More Than I Should

  • Peanut Butter M&Ms
  • The Kardashians
  • Watching people fall down
  • Watching people I know fall down
  • Airplane turbulence
  • Any television show with the words “Real Housewives of” in the title
  • Correcting other people’s grammar
  • Reading about serial killers
  • “Lifetime” movies
  • “Lifetime” movies about serial killers
  • Bob Uecker
  • Ambien
  • Dr. Drew (See that?  Right there?  Is irony.)
  • Baby talking to my three cats
  • Answering for my three cats
  • My mannequin, Leticia Beavers

So that's a little about me.  Now tell me about yourselves ...