I see from the large yellow sign in your back window that you have just welcomed aboard a Baby! Congratulations! I hope your bundle of joy brings you years of happiness and love.
I have one question, however: should you really be allowing Baby to operate your vehicle? That is the only explanation I can find for the “driving” I have witnessed over the past few miles. The random stopping and starting, perpetual turn signaling, and complete disregard of the speed limit all point to the conclusion that Baby must be at the wheel. There’s also the attraction to shiny objects, like parked cars and mailboxes. (I think that mail carrier may need to borrow a clean diaper after that near miss a few blocks back.) And Baby can’t read, which likely explains the cute little wrong-way-down-a-one-way street distraction, doesn’t it?
A mother myself, there are a few things I don’t understand, like Baby’s shunning of infant classics like “Five Days Old” by The Laurie Berkner Band for – is that Slipknot? And then there’s the lit cigarette butt Baby flipped out of the driver’s side window. An unfiltered Camel, no less! I know, I know – kids today! Growing up so fast!
Although I appreciate your thoughtful sign warning me that Baby is indeed “on board,” perhaps you should rethink your decision to give the car keys to an infant for purposes other than jingling. Might I suggest starting the tot off with a toy steering wheel and some plastic teething keys, followed by a few years behind the handlebars of a Big Wheel until he or she is ready for the ultimate test: the motorized hot pink Barbie Jeep? I mean, a baby’s gotta crawl before it can walk, right? (Baby will get that one – classic infant humor).
If I have grievously erred by somehow jumping to the wrong conclusion, and you, not Baby, have been driving this whole time, I have one last question: would you consider switching car seats with Baby? Because, really? Baby could not possibly drive any worse. And Baby has a valid excuse for not knowing that “red means stop,” but you? Do not.
Perhaps Baby could drive you back to the mall where you purchased your adorable yellow plastic suction-cup window sign to find something more suitable – like “Jackass Behind the Wheel?”
And maybe, just maybe, with enough practice, you and Baby will master the Barbie car.
The worst is babies who drink & drive; specifically those using non-Playtex old school bottles that require gravity to get the drink to the nipple. Tilting their heads back takes their eyes off the road.
ReplyDeleteThose who are breast-fed don't drive that much better either.